Tissues for my Issues

It's only Wednesday but this week feels like it has lasted two lifetimes. Regardless of the day I feel more than ready to highlight some wins and losses.

Let's start with the good news first, shall we?

Wins:

• Win 1: I FINALLY found an internet provider that will work for my situation - Clear Wireless. It's still going to cost about the same as Time Warner ($50/month) but it plugs into the wall and uses cell phone towers to get reception. Another bonus is that it's portable and there're no contracts. I'll also be able to power my Roku player with it as well as my Nook tablet and laptop. Initially it's going to cost a little over $100 for the first month and the modem but the representative I spoke with assured me that when my address gets clear reception and connectivity shouldn't be an issue. While I'm not looking forward to an additional expanse I am very much looking forward to consistent internet (and watching Netflix on my T.V.).
• Win 2: I've done my morning Booty Call both today as well as yesterday. I know what you're thinking, umm.. booty call? TMI "Booty Call" is just Tone It Up lingo for a 30 minute workout that starts your day. I finally finished week 4 of Couch to 5K and I started week 5 which leads me to...
• Win 3: I did week 5 day 1 with no problems! It was a 5 minute warm up walk, jog for 5 minutes, walk 1, jog 5, walk 1, jog 5, and walk 5 to cool down. Granted I ran at probably a 10:30 mile I wasn't looking at the clock or anything. Part of the reason I run at a slower pace is so that I can read my Nook while running. It helps keep my mind distracted. The app suggests not to focus on speed but finishing the workout so for now I'm going to stick to what I'm doing. I will say though, that for the last 5 minute segment I ran at a faster pace and pushed myself to my limit and at that pace there was no reading happening. 
• Win 4: We were getting rid of a crappy book shelf at work so I'm taking it home to use as sort of faux dresser. I'm going to spray paint it teal to match my bed spread and then place wicker baskets on it to store my clothes. It's going to take a little wood glue to get it functional again but at least I'll be able to stop keeping my clothes in plastic containers. 

Losses:

• Loss 1: I've mentioned my doctor visits that have occurred these past couple of months here, about my gynecologic oncologist and briefly here, about my urologist visit. Monday afternoon I had my sonogram at my gynecologist's office to take a look and see if there was anything structurally wrong with me. While my urologist visit went really well I'm not convinced that his diagnosis was correct because his treatment hasn't been making many improvements. Due to this fact I've been hoping (and praying) since my last gyno visit in June that they would find something on my ultrasound, I would be able to take care of it, and live a normal life again. I know, you never want to find something on any kind of scan or ultrasound but this situation was really a Catch 22 and having a problem with a solution, albeit a generally drastic one, is better to me than having another chronic problem with no cure or treatment. My appointment Monday revealed that there wasn't anything on the sonogram and my best course of action is to continue treatment with a urologist. I was absolutely crushed. This was really the last thing I wanted. Thankfully, my doctor was actually really sympathetic and understanding of my feelings. We decided that I would see her again in a couple of months but if in the meantime the urologist doesn't find anything she would go in laprscopically and do exploratory surgery. Needless to say there was a lot of crying when I got to my car. I managed to go back to work for an hour and then proceeded to drive home, cry some more, order a pizza, and eat. My body was not happy at my decision. Not having have had such a large amount of grease, cheese, or meat in so long it decided to fight back with some late night vomiting. So wonderful. Obviously, I've been in damage control mode today and yesterday. I decided to help my digestion by drinking smoothies throughout my day as meal replacements accompanied by  some easy to digest baby carrots and cherry tomatoes as well as some brown rice for protein. So far it's been helping, although drinking smoothies all day is not that exciting. I've been pretty depressed since Monday and haven't really felt like leaving my house after I get home from work (thank goodness for morning workouts) but I'm really hoping to make it to yoga tonight after therapy. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself though because I just started therapy and I feel pretty drained after each session. 
• I guess that's two losses in one... a health disappointment and binge eating... not that I need more! 

 So, where do I go from here? I already have a plan to get my emotional eating under control; controlled pre-prepared food (smoothies and rice), Main Street Vegan, and revisiting my WW spaces and routines meetings. Health-wise, the plan isn't so simple. Firstly I have a follow up urologist visit to discuss the current treatment plan I'm on this Monday. I also have an appointment with a bladder specialist in Seattle for when I go home. I'm also seeing my family physician when I go home to request another sonogram to be reviewed by a radiologist. After which point I plan on seeing another lady part specialist in San Antonio with those results. I'm trying really hard to be positive but being positive all the time is not easy by any means. I think that the worst part is that I feel so alone in all of these struggles plus the constant pain doesn't help at all. I'm not looking forward to continuing the wild goose chase that is finding out what's wrong with me. While IC is not a death sentence (much like my neuro problem isn't a death sentence) it is a restrictive life of severe pain and spontaneous flare ups. My parents keep telling me to focus on the positive aspects of my life, getting into shape, having a great job, and getting into an amazing graduate school but, my health, has made obtaining all of these things very difficult and keeping them even more difficult. All it takes is one bad flare up to set me back physically (with my fitness journey), negatively affect my performance at work, and tank my grades. Living with the constant feeling of just needing to make it one more day or tackle one more problem is very difficult. Not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring is a very stressful state of mind to be in(it's probably good I started therapy, huh?). I apologize for the rather deep (and maudlin) post but this is such a huge part of my life that it's very difficult to skirt around the issue. 

Thanks for reading and I would appreciate any good thoughts (or prayers :) )! Have a wonderful hump day bloggies! The week is half over! 

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